The first boy I had a crush on always made me laugh.  He was the one everyone in my class had wanted to be around.  His name was Tony. We were in kindergarten and he was blonde.  Yes, the first crush I ever had was for a white boy. As the years progressed and I became a teenager, I continued to have secret crushes on white guys. After all, they were who the heroine in my teen books liked. But the shy girl that I was would never act on those feelings.  Fear of being rejected by a white guy and by society paralyzed me.  It was sort of a normal thing in my teenaged years to see black guys dating white girls on television and in magazine ads but I rarely saw black girls dating white boys.  My confession of actually having a crush on Donnie Wahlberg and Joey McIntyre of the New Kids on The Block when I was in eighth grade quickly cast me as an oddity by my black girlfriends. 

Whenever I would hear conversations about who liked whom in high school the white guys would always talk about the pretty blonde, redhead, or brunette who of course, were white.  When I began dating, I was blessed to meet intelligent black boys who were fairly dark in complexion and I’ve never had a desire to “cross the other side” so to speak since.  My first year in college a friend of mine offered to set me up on a blind date.  Happy about hearing that my friend thought to introduce me to a man who she believed had a great personality and who she felt would get along with me, I accepted the offer.  After hearing about his description, I politely declined.  He was white. I attended a catholic college whose majority was Caucasian.  Although it would have probably made no difference to him to date a black girl, I knew that no matter what I did or where we went the issue of race would always be on my mind. Heck, I knew it would be on other people’s minds too. 

I can see how many black women feel angry about seeing a handsome professional black man date or be married to a white woman.  Many have decided that if they can’t hate them, join them.  But the cause of the anger is rejection and jealousy. They may see it as having been rejected by the black men who they grew up sharing their lives and issues with. Its not easy to find someone who you can relate to, who understands what it feels like to be in the skin you are in without having to explain.  And truth be told, when a man (especially a white man) in American is looking to describe a beautiful woman, long hair and fair skin is usually in the description they give. That leaves many minorities out.  Jealousy comes in to play because, heck, why is she (the white woman) getting all of the attention? 

My own cousins caused me to take a step back with comments that they had made.  They mentioned to me that they liked to only date white or Hispanic women.  I was offended.  When I probed further as to why they decided to date only white or Hispanic women, they explained to me that black women are usually single moms and are less educated.  As I gasped for air when I heard this, I became angry.  I was going through a divorce and had become a single mom over night.  I had an education and a professional career and my own cousins, who I grew up with, looked at my “situation” as one to stay away from and as one that is common with black women.  I was stunned to hear this from them. They had been trying to get me out into the dating scene and had tried to build up my confidence by telling me how great I was and yet, I would be someone they would stay away from. This is the type of thing that black women have to deal with.  This is where I think the anger comes from.  It’s simple and plain rejection.

As I raise my two children I look to educate them about people’s attitudes and I will try to raise them color blind. Nonetheless I wonder about the future. How would I feel if my son or daughter came home with a white man or woman?  I am glad I have a few more years to sort these feelings out.

  http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_1_55/ai_57046411

The show I have loved to watch since its premier last year is Dancing with the Stars.  I am not a dancer and would never pretend to be but the weekly progress that the stars make with their professional dance partners is inspiring.  This season, I am confused as to how Master P has managed to stay on the show for so long.  He is popular and I dont mind supporting my black brothers but I clearly dont see him as a ballroom professional and dont understand how people could have voted for him to stay on the show.  I feel sorry for his partner Ashly DelGrasso.  She is always fun to watch but for the past two seasons she simply hasn't had much luck with finding a partner who compliments her.  The couple I believe will win this year is Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke.  To anyone who reads my blog: watch the show!  Its good entertainment.

Ok I have gone and done it.  I have gone and done what I said I would not do.  I joined weight watchers online today.  Although I am kicking myself for going back on my word, I am happy about my decision.  I think this is going to work for me.  I am always near a computer and the ease of logging on and keeping track of progress and points seem fun.  Anyway, wish me luck!  I figure a good three months is a good amount of time to try it out.

Alright, pretty much anyone who knows me, knows that Christmas is always my bah hum bug season and New Year's is "Sabine is so excited she must be on something" season.  I absolutely love New Years Eve, New Years Day... there is just so much to be thankful for and so much to be happy about.  The best part is that everyone is so optimistc this time of year and moods (mine included) are so much more cheerful.  That is my opinion anyway. 

The excitement of the New Year's countdown always lasts about another hour after the new year has rung in with my family camp.  New Year's day marks as Independence day for Haitian people so I suppose that is one reason why the celebration is exciting to me.  It makes things that more personal. This year I basically got many people tipsy while they ate the famous "pumpkin soup" or "soup joumou" as we Haitians say it both on New year's Eve and on New Year's Day.  I played bartender all night and tried so many different drinks that many people couldnt keep up.  Even my kids got virgin stuff!  By the way, as an aside, my parents and sister look funny tipsy. 

To everyone and everything, Happy New Year and I hope all of your resolutions come to reality. 

Ok I have self diagnosed myself of being delusional.  Since my divorce I have blamed my "thick" body on the new found stresses of being a single mom.  My constant denial shows most when I go shopping for clothes.  When I enter a clothing store, the clothing rack that I head to first is none other than the section for the size 6-8 range.  Of course, I tell myself that I am only looking at those sizes to see the clothing trends but God only knows the clothes would never look as good on my "big bones" as they do on the manequins.  Later I find myself becoming nostalgic and recalling the days before I was married and had children.  The days where I could walk into a store and know I could always find a great deal on a size 4-6.  I took pride in myself and the way I rocked those jeans! (always with my three inch heels of course)  I dont know what happened between then and now but I can no longer blame my ever increasing weight gain on my single parent hood or my "baby fat" from my kids.  My youngest is 4 years old! 

I honestly dont know how I got this big and where I was when it happened.  I have had a gym membership for over a year now and can say that I have been to it about 8 times since I opened my membership (never open a gym membership more than a mile from your home).  I am still paying for my membership.  Silly huh? This past week I have re-read a great book that I bought last year about my financial health entitled "Smart Women Finish Rich" by David Bach.  I have no excuse for not putting any of his advice into action this past year.  I simply closed my eyes and went on auto pilot as I went to school full time and worked full time.  Now that I have re-read it, I am excited about improving my financial health.  That got me thinking about my physical health.  What I have noticed is that while my financial health has improved during this past year, my physical health has steadily declined.  Looking at my daughter, she has taken up after me and is following my footsteps.  She is over weight. My son is only 4 and is thin.  For whatever reason he goes around telling people that he wants to be skinny.  He does not want to be fat.  I was perplexed about this until recently when I thought to myself : "Of course he is anxious about becoming over weight. He is surrounded by over weight people."  I shouldn't convince him that being fat is better than being skinny.  I should be teaching both my kids healthy ways of living ( including healthy financial habits). 

So... to sum this all up, I am on my way to recovery.  My sister took pics of me pre-healthy wearing a bathing suit with front and side profiles like you see in the infomercials in order for me to compare them 4, 8, and 12 weeks from now.  Hopefully I would have stuck to my pre-new years resolution and will have lost weight by the end of 12 weeks.  Feel free to encourage me along the way.  Oh, the photos will not be published. Duh!

Last year around this time, I was surprised to find holiday cards in my mailbox.  I was surprised because I had not expected  to receive cards from people other than family. But, for whatever reason, I received many from aquaintances and co-workers.  The cards I received had pictures of family, children, or simple happy holiday card stock cards with colorful holiday staples printed on them like christmas trees or Santa Claus.  I love cards and have always found myself saving them to look at whenever I want to remember a particular person or event.  Last year, I was not in the mood to make cards and had not sent out a single one to anyone.  Guilt struck me and I promised myself that the following year, I would make cards and send them out early.  I also promised myself that I would get my kids involved to get them into the holiday spirit. (Did I mention that I hate Christmas? I will write about that one on another day)  So this year I got out my digital camera and santa hats and got my kids acting like they were on America's Next Top Model.  Many minutes later, (and several "mom i dont want to do this anymore" from my daughter) I got the picture that I wanted and headed straight to Walmart's online picture center.  The hardest part of making the cards was the sentiment that I added to it.  I just couldn't make it short enough to fit on the three lines they provided.  I finally got: "Wishing you happy holidays. Love Evan, Briana, and Sabine" and paid the fee.  I was pleased about the end result and so were the kids.  I got them stamping and sealing the envelopes after I addressed them.  They complained about the sticky taste in their mouths but many drinks of water later, they forgot about the whole thing.  Now, the real reason why I even chose to write about this topic is because this past week, I was surprised yet again about the cards I received.  Many of the cards were not from the people who sent me cards last year.  There were all from people whom I had sent a card out to because I wanted to be sure I got everyone.  So guess what? I included everyone !  I wonder if these people had a gulity conscience like me and sent out the cards not because they wanted to, but because they felt guilty about NOT sending one since they got one from me?  I know, I  know, you are probably saying to yourself that I am analyzing this small thing way too much.  But if i didnt, you wouldnt have anything to read about now would you? :)

I am not a fan of snow.  My family background is from the carribbean so I believe I may be genetically predisposed to tolerating weather only 60-90 degrees.  My bedroom in the winter is 80 degrees and I sleep under my blanket!  Looks like after I graduate, I am moving down south.

I had the privelege of visiting Jamaica for the first time this past week and had a blast.  The weather was perfect, the people were friendly and the food was amazing!   I tried every new food that was presented to me and now that I am back home, I find that I only want them.  It is definetly a place that I plan to visit again sometime in the near future.

So, I was downloading stuff onto imesh to transfer to my ipod the other day and it came to me.  What the hell ever happened to Al Be Sure?  It's like he made one album and retired.  I remember just thinking about how great it would be to have my first kiss by that man.  Of course I was 12 years old and daydreamed about my first kiss with many famous people.  But at that time, to me, he was HOT.  Even the uni-brow he had was HOT.  He could have sung to me all he wanted day or night and he would still be, to me, HOT.  I downloaded the songs and happily played them around the house.  I was happy to hum his familiar melodies and was pleased to see my daughter listening to him coo on the stereo along with me as she did her homework.  I shared with her his name and was expecting to get an "ok mom".  But no.  I got a: "Mom, the man is old school. I dont like old school".  At that, I realized 17 years is kind of old school... to an 8 year old child!  I dont hear music like that anymore.  Not from these youngins who chime on the radio.  Dont get me wrong. Most of the music out there is pretty good.  But lyrics and cooing like what i used to hear growing up were sexy and showed that being in love was great.  Now its all about shaking your laffy taffy and being descriptive about how you are going to lay someone like Omarion's O.  Can we leave something to the imagination folks?

For the record, it doesnt matter where or how you meet the person in your life the honesty that the two of you keep betweeen the two of you matters.  Always be honest no matter how horrible you may or may not look in the other person's eyes. With that said, I have ended my attempts to finding someone to date long term through the online venue... heck, maybe even the old fashioned way is kaput now too.  My decision stems from my experiences and so, I have decided that I have had my fill of people who: not only embellish their profiles and continue to do so after meeting them, but continue to flat out lie to you after you have bought the lame embellishments in the first place.  You would think I would be able to spot liars by now.  But no.  I had been fooled... yet again.  The only way I can actually be sure to not be fooled again is to simply forget the whole dating thing all together.  Yeah right you may say.  You may also think just who could this horrible man be that she is referring to? She must be exaggerating again and is being over dramatic.  But, those who really know me, know that once I say no more, I mean it and dont dare revisit it again.  I deserve so much more than what has been around me lately. I can not and will not settle.  So I simply wont anymore.  I am bad all by myself.

On another note, maybe I should look into this Eco Bra thing that the Japanese people have.  Hey, a heated bra for the winter?  That's my kind of thing now that I am going to be without a significant other for the rest of my life! At least I can keep warm and not share with anyone else.

I was thinking the other day how it would be great to have a Burger King Dating Site.  Not the ordering meals online type, but the finding the right person you want type.  You know, your way, right away.  My order would be very long of course. Maybe I should send them a memo to get things going.  I want my order filled by Christmas.

All I need is a few good men.  I am speaking about my dating life.  I am finding it harder and harder to find someone I can just hang out with and date long term.  I am not looking to get married here! I simply want to continue dating long term with the option of making it more permanent in the far future, like leasing a car with the option to buy.

I have noticed that dating is getting more difficult as I grow older.  I have tried various online dating sites and have found that no one likes to be honest anymore.  I mean, there are always embellishments and such on people's profiles that it leaves me to not trust anyone.  For instance, social drinking for the last person I dated meant he was a closet drinker at home.  I dont have time for drunk calls and such. What ever happened to the good days of teenaged dating where you find someone you liked, spent time getting to know them by having fun dates, and spent hours on the phone talking with them about everything and absolutely nothing? 

When and where can I meet a few good men to spend some grown up time with?  Any suggestions would be very helpful at this point.

Never in my entire life have I dressed up in costume.  I never celebrated Halloween as a child.  I never went trick or treating either.  And no I was not a Jehovah's Witness.  I was raised Roman Catholic. As I grew up, I grew indifferent toward the holiday and wondered what all of the fuss was all about.  For my children, my ex husband would always be the one to dress them up and get excited toward various Hallow's Eve's festivities.  I always stayed in the background.  This year is much different.  I have had to step up to the plate.  I even got a costume of my own.  I chose to be a Catholic nun this year.  My children were excited to see me dress up for my first ever costume party and can't wait for me to accompany them on Halloween night dressed up beside them.  After all these years of living I can reflect and say that I have been missing out.  It's fun to play dress up and simply enjoy life.  Why not do it while you can?

Four years ago this day, I laid in a hospital bed holding my new bundle of joy.  I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and have enjoyed every moment with him ever since.  It's funny how you can think back and try to recall what you were doing on a particular day.  For me, recalling my son's birth is something I can do vividly. After the anesthesiolgist gave me an epidural, all I wanted to do was sleep.  I had been pacing back and forth most of the night and by that time, I felt exhausted. My son had other plans.  He came out into the world five minutes later. Sleeping has never been the same.

Last night my coworkers and I had a good time celebrating Katelyn.  Katelyn (the blonde girl in the pink shirt in the pics) has taken a great new job in AUSTRALIA.  We came along with her and her friends to the pubs near Fanueil Hall and both drank and danced the night away.  We are gonna miss her.